Nina could feel her mother’s eyes on her, at breakfast, at dinner, and any time she left the house. Did her mother know? Was Nina giving out some kind of scent, like animals do. She wasn’t really lying when she’d said there was no boy. Gus had made himself invisible since that day. Nina missed her dad. She hated it when he was away on business, the space he left between her and her mother. The awkwardness of silence, words were even worse. It felt like they were each following the wrong script. Nina sometimes wondered if her mother had ever been young. She couldn’t imagine it. Perhaps Caro had been born in a carefully tailoured suit, wearing Tiffany rings. Nina wished she’d known her maternal grandmother. There was a huge gap in the family tree where she should sit. Just a name, her mother had told her once, begrudgingly. Flora Harvey. Nina imagined a small woman with fluffy hair, smelling of flowers. Like her name. 

     After Nina had left the house, after her mum had asked her about a boy, she wandered the streets. The dark streets. Nina texted him.

     Please answer Gus. I have to see you. Xx

     No answer. Nina tried again. We don’t have to meet at your place. The park?

     Hopeful, Nina walked towards the park. She was on the swing when Gus’s reply came through. 

     Give me five minutes.

     Nina waited, her stomach mashing together. She could feel her blood rising. She urgently needed to see him, but she didn’t know what to say. What was there to say? You and your body changed me forever. How could she say all that, without dumping more shit on poor Gus? Poor Gus.

     Nina didn’t find out that night. Gus didn’t show. Five minutes later he texted sorry. Just one word, that lit up the  screen as she sat on the swing sobbing, a sense of loss rising through her torso. Grieving for something she hadn’t really known she’d had in the first place. Nina didn’t blame Gus, she blamed herself. She dragged her sleeve across her wet face and walked slowly home, wishing she could confide in her mother. It had always been Daddy, but this wasn’t like sharing skinned knees or bullying from the popular girls at school. She was growing up. She only had two friends and it looked like she’d lost one of them. Gus had reacted just as she’d feared. He’d rejected her. What was wrong with her? Nina tried to see herself as Gus must have but she couldn’t bear it. She felt ugly. Keep it inside, don’t share it, it’s too awful to share. You are awful. The words circled her thoughts like enemy fire. 

Almost a week after the swings, and Gus bottling, Kaitlyn texted. A week of self-loathing and avoiding her mother. Nina could hardly leave the house without her lying in ambush, skulking in corners. They ate together but her dad was home now so Caro didn’t try to talk about anything other than the ordinary. She considered talking to Ellen, but she’d not been around for a while. When she wasn’t at school, Nina spent her time in her bedroom. Sitting in silence, looking at the wall her friend had painted. The wall seemed to vibrate, sometimes it seemed to speak to her but only in rhythms. Nina listened to loud music, or music loudly. Florence and the Machine, Florence’s angry voice throbbing within the walls. All the anger pulsated in the faces Kaitlyn had created. And then her phone bleeped. Kaitlyn: Coffee? xx 

     Nina arrived at the café early. It wasn’t the usual one in the shopping centre, this cafe was near the river, painted in bright blues and yellows. Nina had never been here before. She sat at a table outside, rebuffed the man with a fashionable beard and an apron. “I’ll wait. My friend will be here soon.” She hoped this was true. Sugar had been spilt on the table, the man had missed it, Nina drew patterns in it, circles at first. When she realised the circles had become faces she stopped, swept the sugar aside, wiped her hands on her jeans. 

     “Hello, you!” Kaithlyn leaned down to hug her. “Let’s get coffee, and doughnuts. My treat.” Kaitlyn waved vigorously to the bearded man. She clasped Nina’s hands tightly, it felt to Nina as if Kaitlyn was her anchor. She was shocked at how sane she felt, and how the past week had wobbled and lurched and worse. How long had this been going on? Since Gus? Or before. 

     “What’s the matter, Nins? Your eyes, they’re so black. Have you taken anything?”

Her friend’s face changed, a vertical line appeared between her eyebrows. Nina shook her head violently, not to deny that she’d taken drugs but to shake the thoughts tightening in her head. The thoughts had a colour, they were grey, and tasted metallic, like the barrel of a gun. 

     “What’s happened, Nina?”  

     Her shame of the past days landed in her cheeks, red and raw. Tears followed, stinging her eyes. Nina felt ugly. She was ugly. That’s why Gus hadn’t returned her texts. He was disgusted by her. These thoughts had been circling dangerously for days. Kaitlyn rubbed her shoulders. “You can tell me, you know, Nins. It’s fine. I’m your friend.”

     Kaitlyn waited until Nina’s tears stopped, as her body gave up its last shudders. Kaitlyn held her shoulders gently. Nina held onto these moments, things would change once Kaitlyn heard what she’d done. 

     Eventually did Nina stop, Kaitlyn handed her a paper tissue she’d wrestled from her backpack. Nina wiped her eyes, clutched the soggy hankie in her fist, “Gus”, she breathed.

     “What about Gus?” Then Kaitlyn’s eye’s widened and Nina clenched in wait for her reaction. “Do you mean? No. I can’t believe it! I told him. The bastard!” Nina looked up, her friend’s hands still clutching her shoulders. Bastard? “I’m so sorry, Nina.” 

     “I thought you’d been angry. I don’t understand.”

     “I knew he liked you, I warned him not touch you. You’re so young.”

     “I’m the same age as you. And I started it. I comforted him, held his head here.” Nina slapped her forehead. “It’s my fault.”

     Kaitlyn wiped a palm across her friend’s cheek. “It was your first time, wasn’t it?” Nina nodded. “You may be the same age, but you’ve not had the same life experiences as Gus and I. Seriously, you are so fragile.”

     “I am?” Kaitlyn took her in her arms, squeezed her tightly, as if Nina might turn and flee. Nina took a deep breath in, then out. She felt safe. For the first time in a long time, she felt safe.

Only days before Nina had cast an eye through the bottles in her mother’s medicine cabinet, the one she thought Nina didn’t know about. The names on the bottles blurred and Nina rubbed her tears away angrily. Zoloft, Seroquel, other names she couldn’t pronounce. A full unopened bottle of lithium. Prozac. Xanax. Her mother had all these pills just to function. What the fuck? Nina knocked over the cannister of Prozac, it fell to the floor, and green pills scattered everywhere. Vibrant against the white marble tiles on the bathroom floor. She scrambled, reaching out for the tablets, flattening to eyelevel so she wouldn’t miss one. What would it matter if she was going to take them them all? Was she feeling suicidal? She had several ways to end it right here in this bathroom. Nina didn’t hate herself any less, but she didn’t want to stop living. Not yet. When she was certain all the pills were back in their container, trying not to think of the germs they may be harbouring, one pill had been lodged behind the toilet, she walked away and phoned a friend. Kaitlyn.

As their coffee grew cold, and the doughnuts hardened in the sun, Nina told Kaithlyn all about that afternoon, when she’d gone from rebellious teen to scared woman. How she’d misread it, how Gus had not been in touch, hadn’t even realised that it had been her first time.

     “I’m sorry. This happens so often, Nins, it really does. Our bodies development before we mature as people. It’s a design fault I’m sure. But Gus is in the wrong here. He’s in so much shit now.”

     Nina’s face dropped, her mouth twisted. “You can’t say anything, Kaitlyn.”

     “It’s not your fault, you know that don’t you? It’s no excuse but Gus hasn’t had been parented. I’ve tried to teach him about women, and responsibility. Growing up with the brats I’m under no illusion what casual sex can result in.” Kaitlyn smiled. Despite herself Nina did too. Kaitlyn loved those brats.